November/December 2006
Conflict Happens
We can’t all get along all the time. Whether it’s at home or at work, people have differing needs, goals, perceptions, and opinions. Conflicts and disagreements are a normal part of life. While they may be normal, resolving them doesn’t always come easily. In fact, it’s sometimes easier to ignore problems or brush them aside rather than deal with them directly. But when problems are ignored, they fester and grow.
This issue of Duck Tales™ is all about resolving conflict. Dealing with conflict requires careful listening, sensitivity, a commitment to fairness, and a willingness to see all sides. You can’t always make others see eye to eye, but you can get the problem out in the open, work toward a solution, and create more harmony and respect.
In fact, opposing positions and viewpoints actually lead to richer, more effective solutions. And it when it comes to creating better solutions, that’s something we can all agree on!
DEBUNKING THE MYTHS
Any of us hold certain misconceptions about difficult people. But such thinking only worsens the situation. Here’s a look at three of the biggest myths:
(1) Difficult people only care about number one. While it’s true that some people are more aggressive about achieving their goals, even the most opportunistic person can change his or her attitude if appealed to correctly. For starters, try to partner with the difficult person on a project. Pick the right thing to partner on—a project that will excite the person, with a goal that’s attainable. The person will see you as an ally instead of an impediment.
(2) Difficult people won’t change. Humans can change when they’re motivated. Consider two approaches to getting someone to change their behavior. Approach 1: “Mike, your long phone calls need to stop. Making personal calls on company time is costing the company too much money.” Approach 2: “Mike, you’ve been here two years now. We’re all under a lot of pressure to make every dollar count. The phone bills I’ve been paying are too high. Can I count on you to help me out in this area?”
(3) You can always “duck” the issue. Ignoring someone only worsens the situation. Difficult as it is, you need to mend fences and let the person know that you want to improve the relationship. Perhaps the best way to do that is to take a bold, unannounced action that benefits the other person. The type of action you take is your choice, but doing so will send a message that you want to build a constructive relationship and work together.
MANAGING CONFLICT
Conflict is inevitable—but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Conflict can be a positive force, leading to productive change and better communication and processes.
Conflict management consultant Kirk Blackard says that the following four actions help managers reduce conflict, resolve problems, and learn along the way.
(1) Minimize counterproductive conflict. Managers should work to create an environment that supports desired behaviors. That means (a) building a culture of mutual trust, (b) managing change to minimize employee resistance, and (c) fostering a collaborative style with open communication.
(2) Recognize conflict. Too often, conflict exists below management’s radar screen. Suppressed conflict often appears in the form of complaining, miscommunications, ignoring requests, and sarcasm. In order to bring conflict into the open where it can be addressed, management must listen closely to employees and encourage their problem-solving skills.
(3) Resolve disputes. When people cannot solve problems on their own, one option is to step in and help the parties come to a resolution. A dispute resolution process should be in place and may include formal policy, an ombudsperson, mediation, arbitration, and education.
(4) Foster learning. Resolving a conflict is of little value if the same conflicts occur repeatedly. When a dispute is resolved, managers and employees should communicate the lessons to others. Sharing this knowledge will help improve policies and procedures.
MASTERING CONFRONTATION
Talking to an employee about bad behavior or unmet goals is never easy. Kerry Patterson, co-author of Crucial Confrontations, offers these helpful tips:
- Don’t assume the worst. This sets the wrong tone and causes the other person to act defensively. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes the problem is lack of ability or understanding, not motivation.
- Stick to the facts. Stay away from voicing opinions and judgments. Facts are less controversial and incite fewer “hurt feelings.” Describe what you expected from the person and what you actually observed.
- Keep emotions in check. If you become upset, simply tell the other person that you’re too distressed to think clearly at the moment, and reschedule the meeting.
- Avoid asserting your power. Instead of using threats or punishment, explain the consequences of the person’s behavior. Explain what happens to customers, to quality, or to anything that matters. Allow the voice of reason, not discipline, to be the motivator.
- Simplify. What if the person can’t do the job? Simply ask him or her what it will take to make the job doable and then brainstorm together. The solution may be to hand the job off to someone with more resources.
- End well. Set a time and deadline for when the task should be completed. Make it clear who is supposed to do what.
ALL THE RAGE
If an employee cuts his finger at work, most managers direct him to the first-aid kit. But when an employee expresses anger on the job, many managers are at a loss. Applying “emotional” first-aid is not something you learn about in a handbook. Take it from your web-footed friend—the following tips offer the kind of “emotional first-aid” that angry employees need:
- Keep it quiet. Don’t let employees vent their rage in a public place. Instead, invite them into your office to discuss the problem privately.
- Be understanding. Sympathize with the employee instead of rebuking him or her or making light of the situation. Say, “I’d be angry too if that happened to me.”
- Get a plan. Decide how you will resolve the conflict. Do you need to appoint a “diffuser,” someone who has undergone conflict resolution training? Maybe the upset employee needs to talk directly to someone about a problem. Or maybe the problem is linked to procedure or policy. Coming up with a plan will help diffuse the rage and convince the employee that you want to solve the problem.
BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE
Offering constructive criticism is an art. Is it possible to criticize without hurting people’s feelings? Absolutely, say experts—but you should ask yourself these questions first:
* Am I looking forward to offering this criticism? If even just a tiny part of you answers “yes,” stop. In this case, your motives are only partially sincere—you may not want to help as much as you want to criticize. Your listener will reject your critique.
* Do I have positive suggestions for change? It’s not enough to criticize—if you want people to welcome your feedback, show them alternatives. Offer specific techniques that will lead to improvement, and also remind them of past successes. Always make it clear that your criticism isn’t aimed at them as individuals, but at certain actions or behavior.
* Can I offer criticism in a non-threatening way? When criticizing, strike the words “always” and “never” from your vocabulary. Statements such as “you’re always late” will only demoralize the person. Instead, try asking questions that lead people to realize why certain behavior is undesirable. Remember that truly constructive criticism ends with a word of encouragement.
CULTIVATE TOLERANCE
A businessman was rushing to make a connecting flight to an important meeting. He dashed into the restroom and was annoyed to discover that all the sinks were occupied. He got especially upset when he saw one man in front of a sink staring blankly at the drain. “Come on, man,” the businessman muttered to himself. “Some of us have planes to catch.”
A sink became available and the businessman went to wash his hands. As he finished, he noticed that the slow man at the other end was the only person remaining at a sink. The slow man started walking toward the businessman, who at that moment realized this person was old and frail. “How do you get the water to run?” asked the elderly man. “What?” asked the businessman. How do you get the water to run?” The young man showed the older one how to put his hands under the faucet. “It’s got a sensor,” he explained. The old man looked puzzled at first, then miled. “Something new every day,” he said.
As he left, the businessman turned and saw the old man hunched over the sink with water flowing freely from the faucet. The young man caught his connecting flight, feeling like a fool.
The reality is, if we knew the whole story about why people do things the way they do, we’d be angry and annoyed a lot less often. The next time someone does something irritating, assume there’s a reason. Maybe the person is worried about his teenager or is preoccupied with health concerns. All of us can be annoying or irritating at times—we’ve all had trouble “turning on the water” at some point. This understanding can make us more tolerant of others, better leaders, and ultimately better people.
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